It gets better.

I was trying to choose the most fitting song to go with this post. I went with Chris Colfer’s rendition of “I Want To Hold Your Hand”. Listen to it on my side bar.

I’m going to split this post into 2 different segments. First part is my story. For all who is going through what i have, i hope it helps you get through the darkest and bleakest of your teenage years. The second part is for everyone else regardless of your race, believes or orientation.

In my teenage years, i was enrolled in an all-boys missionary secondary school. I got along well with my friends, just hanging out and doing delinquent stuff. Skipping school, playing with lighters, vandalizing stuff etc. But i knew i was different because i was gay. I kept it a secret in the first 2 years of my school life because i was afraid of the consequences of coming out. I’d hate myself for joining in at insulting another person for being effeminate just because i wanted to prove that i wasn’t gay. I guess, for me, the need to belong was more important than being truthful about who i am. This went on for the first 2 years of my secondary school life.

When i was in secondary 3, at age 15, i had a realization.I really wanted to know if these people i considered friends for the past 2 years, and some even more, would love me as a friend despite me being different. I singled them out and told them privately. 3 words was all i needed.

“I am gay”

The reactions i got was instantaneous and came from everywhere. Within a week, word had gotten around to the student body. I was officially the walking insult target in my school. In classes, my classmates would move their tables as far as they could from me. No one would talk to me while i had my food. People distanced themselves as much as they could from me in case they would be mistaken for being gay as well. It was really the bleakest moment for me. Within 365 days of a year, i would spend 360 of them in a depressed state. I would blame myself:

“Why am i gay?”

“Why can’t i be normal?”

“What the fuck was wrong with me?!”

I couldn’t snap out of it. Things toke a worse turn after i came out to my family as well. I really needed someone but everyone alienated me. My mum and i couldn’t speak to each other for weeks. I started to wonder why this was all happening. Was my mum crying because i am abnormal? What is so wrong with me that i had to be ostracized?

Back in school, i had new names. Faggot, queer, sissy, ah gua (chinese dialect for sissy). It was the lowest moment in my life that i have every felt. I blamed myself. I believed that i had it coming. It was at that moment that i contemplated suicide. I really just wanted it to end. I would look out the kitchen window of my flat and wondered what it would feel like if i just jumped. Would anyone miss me? Or would people celebrate the death of yet another faggot? Or perhaps, i’ll just disappear amongst all the other news.

It toke me a lot of time and effort to not take the easy way out. I felt unjustified. Why should i be suppressed just because i am different. We are all unique in our own way. I felt the need to shine. I wanted to prove to my school that being gay wasn’t a sin. It isn’t a disease that makes us less capable than our heterosexual counterpart. I felt the need to prove myself. And so i did. I directed and wrote a script for my school’s drama club that won them first place. From being the most hated person, i was starting to become more approachable.  But with that, also came people with more hatred for me. I was still harassed constantly by people. No one wanted to stand up for me either. But it was fine for me at that point of time. I felt that i could fend for myself.

One day, during break, i was in my classroom. It was still crowded with students despite it being break. One of the boys who constantly ridiculed and taunted me came in to disturb me. I was so used to it by then that i just didn’t wanted to react to it. I was just doing my own stuff and ignoring the insults thrown my way. I guess that irritated him. Next thing i knew, he grabbed me and pulled me to the front of the class with his friends and molested me. He stuffed his hands into my pants and inside my underwear and started grabbing me. I was pinned to the white board and while molesting me, they were throwing insults me. When they were done, they left the classroom laughing. I guess i was in shock. No one helped me. No one did anything. I really felt disgusted.

The next day, 2  boys from my club came to call me out of class to the principal’s office. It was then that i learnt that after i was molested, they felt undignified for me and reported this to the principal. It was the warmest thing that anyone had did for me in the 4 years which i was in the school. Everything started to take a turn for the better. I started to see who are true friends to me. The insults never stopped, the bullying never stopped. But i knew who my friends were and who are the people i know got my back.

It gets better. Don’t throw  away your life because of these senseless fools. Stand strong and find the strength within yourself. Things will get better, you just have to push forward. Don’t give up.

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Like i said at the start, this is a 2 part post.

This post is for everyone else. Please stop the bullying. If you see someone getting bullied, please stand up for them. I don’t care what your religion and believes say. We are all humans and we should be able to find the capacity within ourselves to love each other. We all deserve to be happy and given the chance to have a happy ending. Recently, the UN chief Ban Ki-moon made the appeal to all nations to repeal the laws which discriminate against the LGBT community and individuals.

I may not be a big shot UN chief but i appeal to everyone who may be reading this. It’s not just about the law. It’s also about the man. Help another human in need. Don’t judge by the label of ‘Gay’ or ‘Lesbian’. Help each other and spread the word. Don’t hate and speak up for the suppressed and bullied. I urge you to please stop the bullying, discrimination and violence wherever it is coming from. I have been through it and i would not wish it upon anyone else. Please help each other out.

Johnathon Kwok

It gets better. I promise.